When the disease is announced, it is not uncommon for the feeling of femininity or virility to waver.
Two years after diagnosis, 65% of men and women report that cancer has had a negative impact on their sexuality, according to a 2014 National Cancer Institute survey. When it affects the urogenital sphere (prostate, bladder , colon, cervix and body of the uterus), 89% of men and 75% of women mention sexual difficulties.
What causes?
The announcement of a cancer influences the psychic state and the libido. Between fatigue, pain, nausea, drying of the mucous membranes, the treatments do not promote sexuality. Their stigmas, as well as those related to the disease, reinforce the fear of the gaze of the partner and the fear of being abandoned. The feeling of femininity or virility wavers.
Not to mention “preconceived ideas, at the origin of useless feelings of guilt, which increase the distress, warns Dr. Eliane Marx, head of the psycho-oncology unit at the Paul-Strauss center (Strasbourg). It is not uncommon to hear that the origin of cancer is attributed to extramarital relations, abortion, shock, stress, punishment… Some people even think, wrongly, that sexual relations after treatment promote recurrence. »
What solutions?
Dare to talk about it, without taboo, with a psycho-oncologist. Otherwise, consult a sexologist approved by the Interdisciplinary Postgraduate Association of Sexology (AIUS), which lists them on its site, capable of working with oncologists. A follow-up makes it possible to re-evaluate the difficulties during the cancer and after.
The responses (support, therapy, medication) take into account its location and treatments. “It is possible to arrange one’s intimate life, reassures Dr. Marx. In case of stoma, scars or pain, other positions should be sought or imagined. Sexuality is not limited to penetration; stimulation of the senses, caresses, tenderness and attention paid to others are also part of it.
Farting and peeing – About body shame when dating and why we don’t need it at all
I’ve learned that I should pee after sex. To get rid of bacteria, to freshen up a bit or to avoid the sometimes awkward cuddling with the one-night stand. No matter how helpful this tip may be, most of the time after shorter or longer bed action I feel this other call of nature anyway.
Shit, the toilet in this apartment is within earshot.
So from the bed I fish for my panties, top, socks or whatever helps against cold bathrooms, slip them on and off I go. Only to find out in the hallway: crap. In this apartment, the toilet is really quite close to the bedroom you just left. I mean, within earshot.
It’s still possible to pee (meanwhile). But the thought of letting go of the toilet noise that comes with number two… And then with my date as the audience?! Not my kind of Pott cast. Oddly enough, I’m little more embarrassed than the idea of farting in front of my date or making that telltale splash and thud that testifies to the fact that I, too, am a perfectly normal metabolic human being.
Why do I still feel the female urge to cover up at all costs that I too have to poop?
I do have digestion though, that’s a fact. Everyone else needs to know too. So why do I still feel the female urge to cover up at all costs that I too have to poop? The funny thing is that I’m mostly uncomfortable around people I’d like to be (further) intimately involved with. Who or what has stamped so deeply into my brain that the background noise of bowel movements and sexiness are absolutely mutually exclusive?
Who poops rose petals?
Is it such a “please consider me as feminine and delicate” complex and at this point I simply still suffer from the hard patriarchal impression that I can’t even allow myself basic bodily functions for this? Perhaps it is the same with the function of the vulva and the buttocks as with the “intended” function of the breasts: these body parts are only interpreted as sexy if the biological functions do not take place, i.e. can be hidden. As long as they are beautiful to look at, they have a right to exist. Everything else is punished as disgusting or, at best, as a fetish.
Body parts are only interpreted as sexy if the biological functions do not take place, i.e. can be hidden
But as soon as these pugs feed a child in public, the outrage is great. So maybe it’s no wonder that the ass prefers to be seen silent and inactive. Anything else would be profane and only disturbs the romance. This is sometimes so shameful for some people that they would rather put up with an excruciating stomach ache for hours or days than simply disappear to the bathroom to prevent these self-inflicted problems. And that’s just because they’re acoustically close to their love interest .
When I sleepover on a date, I have strategies in place to ease my mute as much as possible
Please tell me I’m not alone in this. Please also tell me that I’m not the only one who goes to the toilet (almost completely) relieved as soon as the date has left the apartment and thus earshot. Luckily I can bring myself to pee splashing today. But a noisy digestion? Audible horror. I even go so far that when I sleep over on a date, I have strategies in place to relieve myself as muted as possible. Yes, well, because it’s you, I’ll share one with you.
Dance toilet tango
I open my eyes into a dark room. Next to me in bed is my date from last night. But this night isn’t quite over yet, because I’ve been invited to spend the night. Nice actually, somehow trusting and maybe even a tiny bit romantic. Were it not for a bad culinary decision I had made the night before. In terms of taste, a complete success, don’t get me wrong. But from a logistical point of view, just a few moments after waking up in the night, I don’t know where to go anymore – except preferably to the toilet for a longer time.
I have no idea what exactly is triggering the thunderstorm in my gastrointestinal area, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that it can’t stay there much longer.
Or is it just flatulence that I’m feeling? I have no idea what exactly is triggering the thunderstorm in my gastrointestinal area, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that it can’t stay there much longer. Regardless of whether it is in a gaseous or solid state. But getting up and going to the toilet is a risky undertaking. If only it could wake up sleeping dogs, which I assume at the moment cannot perceive me and my toilet noises in dreamland.
So I decide to first test whether I can release some hot air without a big fuss (after all, I’m still far from being awake). A last checking listening to the side, whether my bed companion is actually still breathing deeply and regularly? OK, safe! So I carefully turn on my side, grab my buttocks with one hand to lift the cheek that is now on top and let out a breeze that is as controlled as possible. Acoustically has something of a bicycle tire that is discreetly losing air.
Of course, I would much rather get rid of this exaggerated reluctance to cause toilet noise or audible digestion on dates.
When that’s relieved…uh done, quickly wrap the blanket around my waist to disguise any odor development and then breathe a sigh of relief! So… after a few moments when the fart broke and my date still hasn’t woken up from his slumber.
Voila, that was my tip to at least let off some steam unnoticed at night. Of course, I’d much rather get rid of this exaggerated – let’s call it – reluctance to make toilet noise or audible digestion on dates.
Sexy, sexy bodily functions – a contradiction in terms?
As I said, at least the embarrassment of hearing me pee has already been reduced to a minimum. Unfortunately, I can’t remember exactly how I did it. It probably had a lot to do with meeting more people throughout my active sex life who gave me reassurance.
My sex appeal and my version of femininity are not undermined by using my body’s built-in functions
I have been able to experience that my sex appeal and version of femininity are not undermined by using my body’s built-in functions. That I don’t need to be ashamed of that. That bodily fluids such as menstrual blood, squirting fluid, ejaculate, remnants of discharge in the morning or feces on the condom after anal sex are things that you buy when you want to have sex with another person. Things that you have to accept and anticipate, that you don’t even have to look at sideways and sometimes even welcome if you want to fuck.
Sex itself is never sterile. It is physical, and physical is not designed to be entirely devoid of fluids
I mean straight anal sex! Of course, this is not a “dirty” practice per se. But sex itself (except perhaps the purely mental one) is never sterile. It is physical and physical is not designed to be sterile or to be entirely devoid of fluids. Being accepted by my sex partners won’t be enough, but it’s a great help to me to be more accepting of myself as well.
Pooping shouldn’t be a cult or taboo
Incidentally, I don’t want to call for pooping, farting noises or explicit beer shit stories to be particularly celebrated or discussed in detail. Not even if they come specifically from women or people read by women. I myself have never had a particularly pronounced fecal humor or a strong interest in excreta that went beyond health aspects.
No, I would just like to be less ashamed of the things in life that you simply cannot avoid. So why should you sanction something with the “unsexy judgement” that could not be avoided in its inception and which also has nothing to do with sexiness? Even if it happens to affect body regions that are mostly significantly involved in Sexy Time .
I’m for less body shame, more tolerance for ambiguity about sexiness, and less stomach ache because we’re pinching the deal.
Instead, I’m for being kind to ourselves and each other, for less body shame, for more tolerance for ambiguity about sexiness, and for less stomach ache because we’re holding back on business. Thank you!
