What actually is good sex? One question, a thousand answers, and many who seem to be quite sure of their cause. While a (large) part of the population may not like to debate this publicly at all, and the topic, if only hinted at, causes giggles or an embarrassed silence, there is also the other direction: making sexuality the number 1 topic, this “openness “ to glorify and to understand one’s own experimentation or one’s own kink as something which means maximum development of one’s sexuality. At times, people look at those who don’t seem to have gotten that far with a little contempt.
My text is also to be understood as a plea to become aware of the variety of lived sexuality and to break away from all the categorizations.
Both are extremes that I describe very strongly: Luckily there is also everything in between and my text is also to be understood as a plea to be aware of the diversity of lived sexuality and perhaps to break away from all the categorizations a bit, which – in Austria one would now say: “no na” (translation: eh, of course!) – we like and need people, but they are also often very restrictive.
“Daisy Sex” vs. Kink
A good example of this is the often invoked distinction between “vanilla” sex and any kind of kinks. As if there were only two types of sex: “Classic” sex with the associations normal, in bed, often heteronormative with a penis in the vagina, run-of-the-mill and perhaps with a romantic component. And in contrast, the world of kinks: living out fantasies, a few specific preferences, always a “dirty mind” and a desire for sex parties.
A little reminder: you don’t have to choose just one! That’s the good thing about sex
Do both sound exaggerated? Or both good? Oh yes, a little reminder: you don’t have to choose one! That’s the good thing about sex and everything that has to do with arousal and desire: It can always be different and it can also develop or change over time.
How our sexuality develops and grows
We have a sexuality since we are born, erections of the penis and vagina/vulva can be detected in the womb and every child that is born discovers its body and can feel arousal. These are the first learning steps on the way to adult sexuality, which will look very different for everyone later: depending on which pleasure connections are created in the body, depending on which sexual mindset you notice and develop, depending on experience and trying out with your own body.
One can perhaps understand one’s sexual competences as packages that are collected through chance, opportunity and possibility.
From childhood we function according to the principle: “What feels good is repeated” and so one can perhaps understand one’s own sexual competences as packages that are collected by chance, opportunity and possibilities. And yes, the great thing about it is that you can continue to collect, expand and shift focus throughout your life – this is exactly the direction I work with my clients in sex counseling.
To have sex
With this “equipment” you now encounter our world, all the do’s and don’ts that are conveyed depending on the zeitgeist and society, potential love and sex partners, contexts, people and relationships. How you then have sex with each other depends on many components: What you have “taught” as arousing and which fantasies in your head go with it and are attractive.
Sometimes sex also needs the courage to stand up for yourself and your needs
But the head, or one’s own moral and value system, also plays a role: What is “okay” and is allowed? Because sometimes sex also needs the courage to stand up for yourself and your needs. Be it quick relaxation, an orgasm, the feeling of closeness, excitement or or or…
Why the “how” doesn’t ultimately matter
Coming back to sex pigeonholes, finding a clear label for the sex you have or like can sure be helpful for some at times. It helps to find people with the same preferences or even a scene where you feel cared for and not stigmatized when something deviates from the supposed “average”. (Spoiler alert: There is no such thing as an average – just like in life, sex comes with every like, need and combination). These are all good and quite practical things.
Finding a clear label for the sex you have or like can help you find people with the same preferences or a scene you feel included in.
Sometimes, however, one thing is neglected: sex is about a horny, exciting feeling in the body. This is universally applicable to any sexual encounter, and by my definition, it’s not sex if that feeling isn’t felt in the body and genitals (and yes, you can have that kind of “non-sex” too). How you create that feeling is really as different as people are different from each other.
The “what” and the “where” are ultimately the same things for everyone. And I think that’s beautiful, it makes us human.
The “how” can be totally varied – even within a single person – but the “what” and the “where” are ultimately the same things for everyone. And I think that’s nice, it makes us human without making us “equal” and puts our perception horizon in the foreground. So: to many good and horny sex feelings no matter in which context!
